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Confessions of Anger

February 3, 2011 in brokenness, healing, love, pain, parenting, personal, temptation 2

This is yet another post that is fairly difficult for me to write. This post gets extremely personal, because this word has actually been an unwelcome “friend” in my life for too long.

I say “friend” about this word because at one point in my life it served as a great tool (at least in my mind).

It gave me an opportunity to feel big…while in reality, I was very small.

It served as a means to help me don a mask of confidence…while underneath it all, I was absolutely terrified.

It persuaded me that it would bring about better relationships in my life…by the ways of “not letting anyone walk on me.”

However, over the past two years of my life - I learned that it has been a project I have been carrying around.

This lesson has been a tough pill to swallow, and I’m still trying to get it to go down. There are many times I still fail.

I will not wear a mask with you all – I will be transparent, without getting stupid. Anger still tempts me in my life, and at times I exercise it’s muscles. I fall into the temptation, and I sin.

It usually comes in the form of getting angry with my son – and it eats at my gut when I wake up to the reality that I am basically forcing my brokenness on my child.

There are many times in a week, sometimes, that I wind up apologizing to our son – and my husband – for the things I yell at him for that are small things. Things that really have no relevance to be angry about.

He is a toddler. Supposed to test limits and boundaries to see where they lie so he can learn discipline. However yelling in anger is a fear tactic used to enforce a dictator-type discipline; not Godly-discipline. It is a method about as bad, if not more detrimental, than actually getting physical.

I learned this tactic from my own upbringing. If I went out of line, I usually got yelled at in anger – and sometimes, it was followed up with a good swift pop on the can, or a full blown spanking (but this is another post, for another time on that note).

Many parents tell me that it is “normal” to yell. While it may be “normal” in the world of parenting on a large scale, it is not “normal” to me – nor is it “normal” to my husband. Considering we have been redeemed, saved, we made a pact with God to embrace the garments of His nature into our own; to let Him increase, and we will decrease, in Christ.

“Understand [this], my beloved brethren. Let every man be quick to hear [a ready listener], slow to speak, slow to take offense and to get angry. For man’s anger does not promote the righteousness God [wishes and requires].”

- James 1:19-20 (AMP)

It’s amazing how temptations will arise when you set out to break a generational curse in life – experiencing more temptation than ever to engage in the sinful behaviors you are accustomed to.

Hindsight is always 20/20, and always looking back on every moment I have ever raised my voice in anger at our child to try and correct and guide him, I look at myself in the mirror – and feel such condemnation in my heart. I feel like sludge, slime and flat out like the worst mother alive.

I am an expert at how to beat yourself up. I have exercised such a technique down to a science in my life, and it is the worst feeling in the world. It’s why I constantly am reminding myself, and others, that this is not how we are supposed to live.

That we have been redeemed.

That we have been forgiven.

That we are loved, despite our major malfunctions.

“If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action].” -1 John 1:9 (AMP)

It all comes down to confession, friends.

We need to continuously confess our sins to God, ourselves, and someone we trust (James 5:16), so we can experience the very healing He has in store for us.

It’s not easy – absolutely not. It’s not meant to be.

This confession, about my anger…this is not easy. I don’t want to do this, but this blog is a ministry – a ministry He had lead me to, so to serve as a means of encouragement [to seek Him] to everyone this reaches. My only response can be in obedience to exercise what He teaches, if I am to follow Him.

Salvation is a continual process of growth, change and evolution in Him. We should never want to remain the same…but to always desire to change for the better. Change hurts, but pain caused by a sanctification process God is providing, is a good pain – embrace it my friends. Embrace it like you have never held onto anything before. It’s worth it.

My encouragement to you friends is this…do not let the sun go down on your anger (Eph 4:26); it’s not worth it. What is worth it, is the true healing you experience in your life upon letting God into the mix of your mess – anger and all.

Image credit goes to Rich Aguilar over at CreationSwap.

Fear is a Defense Mechanism

February 1, 2011 in brokenness, faith, healing, inspiration, personal 0

Quite recently, I read an article surrounding the concept of the Conservative mindset (in the political sense) to be one that is scientifically explained to be more fear-based. That the brains of the individuals who hold to staunch Conservative mindsets, actually have a larger “fear-center” than those who hold more Liberal views.

Upon reading this, I discovered a big question that imprinted itself onto my mind and heart – and it sincerely won’t let me go…and this big question is:

Is fear simply one sided?

The answer to this question is sincerely a resounding…no. It is not just one sided. It infiltrates all people 0f any sized brain (or any capacity of mindset).

It is amazing how the scientific community today is studying all these specific details about our lives, and putting them all under a microscope all for the sake of providing an explanation to society of why people behave a certain way they do. However, all they are doing is trying to explain away the behavior without addressing the root issues of the mindset at hand.

By blaming the physical attributes to the cause of fear, it completely ensnares one into the lie that one has no responsibility for their own actions.

With an upbringing in Judaism, I was taught basically from birth about the atrocities of Holocaust. I knew more about Hitler by the time I was 5 years old than any normal 5 year old little girl should probably know.

I remember a time growing up in Synagogue when I was in Hebrew school, a guest speaker came to our Temple to speak with the youth about the Holocaust. She is a famous sex therapist…and you may recognize her name. Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

Yes…Dr. Ruth came to talk to a bunch of young Jewish boys and girls…but, not about sex; but about living a life of a young Jewish girl in the concentration camps during WWII and Hitler’s reign.

I remember with vivid imagery in my mind, for the first time, seeing with my own eyes the very tattoo of the number she had inscribed on the inside of one of her forearms denoting she was a “number” rather than a person. I was in shock and horror at the stories she shared, for my life paled in comparison to the horror she lived in as a young girl. But here I was…a young girl, being exposed to fear through the life of another based upon the horrors of their childhood.

I have never forgotten meeting her – and I doubt I ever will. Her story brought to life a side to life that I only saw in mere images in textbooks and movies up until that point. And from that point on, I lived my life in more fear than I ever anticipated.

This mindset set into motion a course of my life that would be a challenge to breakthrough for years to come.

The challenge of choosing to embrace faith into my life, rather than fear.

My sponsor in Celebrate Recovery shared with me a statement that will forever be imprinted on my heart, because it started the process of allowing myself to be truly set free [into Christ].

Fear is a defense mechanism.

The majority of my life has been one lived in defense.

I’ve been treated poorly since childhood by many, and still experience moments of poor treatment from others today.

I’ve been physically beaten by people due to the fact I am indeed Jewish by blood and raising.

I know the absolute pain of rejection. And honestly, most of the time, the pain was spooned out in heaping doses by people who proclaimed Christ in their lives.

“So how can you even be a Christian today, Marni?”

Simple, my friends. I chose to be.

I chose to seek my life outside of fear, and press on in faith (despite whatever fears crop up in my heart at times).

I didn’t have to come to Christ – I could have chosen to react in defense to how I was being treated the majority of my life by others, and let it affect my eternity. However, because of the pain I opted to enter into for 6 years as a Pagan – the only healing place I found left, was in Christ. I had no idea when I made the decision what I was really doing, but in hindsight – that is what had me walking up to that altar 7 years ago to embrace Him into my life.

You too, have a choice my friends.

That choice is either a life lived in faith…or fear.

In restoration…or pain.

There is no halfway mark with God, for God is not a God of ambiguity. He is very much a black and white God – you either accept Him fully into your broken life, or your don’t.

Fear keeps you bound up, locked away from the very Love that created you.

It defends you against the very One who doesn’t deserve to be defended against – for friends, He didn’t do anything to offend you. There is nothing in Him that desires to harm you. His full and absolute desire is to make you whole – in Him.

Your brokenness [your fear] is simply a reminder of Whom you need to make you whole. It is something you have in your very hands that you can give to God and say, “Here, Father. I accept your love for me.”

My encouragement to you is…don’t let fear dictate your life one more day like Hilter dictated fear into the hearts of Jews that has lasted for generations. And don’t give into scientific research to determine your choices in the life you have been gifted by God.

“Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side, and will keep your foot from being snared.”

-Proverbs 3:25-26 (NIV)

Garth Brooks: Life Changer

January 25, 2011 in brokenness, courage, faith, healing, inspiration, lessons, mercy, pain, personal, truth 2

You’re going to see probably quite a few Tuesday’s filled with this guy’s face plastered on it, because Garth Brooks is sincerely my all time favorite music artist.

I will be very up front and honest, as I always am with you all – I fought tooth and nail not to like him and his music when I was around 15 years old, not long after the passing of my grandfather.

My mother and father deeply disliked whom I was hanging out with (a gang), and they absolutely deeply disliked the music I was listening to. However they let me have my friends (I was just unable to go anywhere out in public with them), and they let me have my music.

I would go around with songs of Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg in my head all day long – and if I ever heard a country song, especially Garth Brooks, I cringed and rolled my eyes in loathing and murmured, “I can’t stand that guy! I’ll never listen to his music! He stinks!” (imagine more colorful language though)

Now, I know a lot of teenagers go through their own version of rebellion – this was not rebellion though. I actually didn’t rebel until much later. No, this wasn’t rebellion – this was me trying to cover up the pain I was experiencing deep down inside of myself. I hid in music (and people) that wallowed in death and pain. It was comforting to me to hide – and it wasn’t until the middle of my Junior year when I started to wake up a bit.

What woke me up? This song:

Garth Brooks — The River @ Yahoo! Video

One day as I was walking home from school, listening to the radio on my Walkman (remember those?), my normal radio station was on (Hip Hop/Rap), and once the commercials cued up, I went ahead and started to tune to another station. In the midst of my tuning, I was about to blast through the country station – but a strand of words tat caught my attention, “Trying to learn from what’s behind you…”

I couldn’t leave those words alone...so I adjusted the tuner until it came in clearer, and that is when I started to slow my walk and tears began to form in my eyes. I just remember asking myself, “What am I doing?” I reflected on the words I was hearing, and I realized just how much I needed to move on in my life.

I honestly believe God used this song to capture my attention, and change my life [forever]; prompting me to start moving past the pain of my grandfather’s passing. In turn though, despite the many trials and tribulations I had yet to go through at that time, this song would stick in my heart so deeply that it has become a coined song in my life.

This song teaches that this life is a journey to be lived, to be explored, and to be embraced – no matter where the river of life takes you. As long as God is with you all the way, which He is, and you embrace Him along the journey – you will discover the life He has in store for you.

My friends, your life is worthwhile. You are worthy - in Christ.

Your life is worth living. Your life is worth going on a limb of risk and taking chances you never thought possible.

Pain is inevitable. It will happen. But it’s not that you experience pain, it is what you do with that pain that exposes your deepest desire(s) for your life.

Jon Acuff’s blog entry “Thinking You’re Naked” is a blessing, a reminder, of this very truth. Friends, you aren’t naked…you aren’t the shameful beings you think you are…you have been redeemed with a price; made beautiful, whole and clothed in His righteousness and beauty.

I love it when Jon also said this on his Twitter not long ago:

“If you’re going to risk & maybe fail, fail at something that matters. Fail gloriously so that even in failure, lives change.”

Your life matters! It is made for something great! Take the risk! Take the challenge!

Despite whatever pain…do it scared [in faith in God]! It is worth it, for you are worth it! You don’t have to live in defeat, pain, anguish or hurt anymore – there is a way of healing those deep wounds. And it is in the journey, on the river of life, with God that will provide your healing!

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Cor 12:9-10 (NIV)

The Masquerade

January 21, 2011 in brokenness, courage, foundations, healing, pain, personal, temptation, truth 2

This post has to be one of the most difficult I have made yet. It is one that is making me face who I was, and reminding me to be very careful never to go back to that place again.

It is difficult though…to remove the masks I grew so attached to. They served as a security device, a life preserver, for my ever fragile self-esteem. However, I am still very tempted to [and at times do still fall into]:

Donning the mask of confidence, when I feel terrified.

Donning the mask of fear, when I feel confident.

Donning the mask of defense, when I feel attacked.

Donning the mask of courage, when deep down I am deeply hurt.

I am very good at wearing masks – I have been since I was a child. I’m pretty certain it arose from a multitude of instances in my life that just in general prompted me to build a wall around myself to keep people at such a distance away from my heart, this way they would never truly hurt me; for if they really knew me, they would probably hate me.

Growing up in my life, as many kids do, it isn’t easy. Along with the many joys of childhood, came a multitude of hurts and disappointments that were difficult to let go of if we are not guided with loving courage [namely by our families, or others we look up to] to do so.

From the time I was 5, I was starting to help my parents take care of my ailing grandparents – whom I loved dearly. Spending days with my grandmother was the highlight of my life, and it was nothing for me to go to her nightstand and know what medications she needed, or simply go into the bathroom and know what treatment and dressings she needed for whatever wounds she needed help with.

By the time I was 13, it had been a couple of years since my grandmother passed away, and I experienced what it was like to live with an ailing grandparent. My grandfather had a terminal heart condition, and toward the end of his life – he became so oxygen deprived, his mental capacity was not what it once was (loving, caring, uplifting and encouraging). He became bitter, judgmental and harsh – and at the tender age I was at, in starting to become a young woman, I took his words in full doses (rather than with grains of salt).

At the age of 15, he passed away [hours after my birthday] – and I held his hand has he did. As he passed away, is when I started to experience the walls of protection beginning to surround me. I began to don masks in my life to protect the hurt that was deep down inside of me, and I was encouraged by family to keep my “secrets” to myself and our family.

“This is our business, and no one else needs to know our business” I would be taught – and it only reinforced the masks I was carefully wearing.

Yet deep down, underneath the layers of pain being squashed by masks of happiness, courage, confidence, etc – was a deeply wounded young girl just screaming for some attention so as to bring some soothing to the pain I was experiencing.

As time passed, I found myself choosing paths that would sedate the pain – allowing me to continue to wear the masks I had become so comfortable with.

Then when I entered the spiritual walk of Paganism, it only allowed me to choose what I wanted to do with no focus on the consequences. The whole concept of “and it harm none, do as you will” never really taught me that this included myself as well.

Then when I came to the throne of Christ and I accepted Him, I hid deep inside of Him – but in a very wrong way. I used Him as another mask, rather than simply allowing Him to heal me from the inside out.

As I kept walking, and experiencing the masks of Christianity [the religion of it], my life was opened up to a whole new aspect upon the birth of my son.

Giving birth has thus far, been the most truth revealing moment of my life. My son’s birth gave me permission to finally let the pains of my past heal, and to let God do the healing - as I removed my masks one by one, and placing them ever so gently in His ever capable hands.

There are still a few I know I am holding onto just for the sake of a “Plan B” to fall back upon – but the truth is, my “Plan B” cannot measure up anywhere near to His “Plan A.” I too am still learning and growing.

There is a foundational truth to what I have experienced here – and it is something I deeply want to share with you all, so you too can discover this in your own life [should you choose to]. This truth is:

The masquerade is over.

It has been over for a long time, since Christ came to us – and you simply delay this truth in your own life by wearing masks.

By allowing yourself to wear masks, you keep the right people out – and draw the wrong ones in.

By allowing yourself to wear masks, you only expose the truth to others and God that you’re more important than God and other people – exposing pride for all it is worth.

Dear hearts…masks do nothing more than compound pain inside of you. They let absolutely nothing out, and keep you a prisoner inside of yourself.

My pain…yes, it hurts. That pain though is not there to keep me a prisoner – it is there to remind me of Who my Healer is. Who my Redeemer is. Where my Value and Confidence is in.

Are you willing, today, to just consider the possibility to ending the masquerade in your own life, for your life?

Are you willing to just take one mask off to someone who has proven to you that they are trustworthy to handle who you are in that one area?

If not, I pray you are. I hope you are. I have lived in such brokenness over my own life for too long…and my hopes and prayers are in encouraging each and everyone of you who live in your own pains, is to let God have them, and [discerningly] trust someone else to handle them as well.

It’s not worth one more day of spending life in a walking prison.

“As for you also, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will set your prisoners free from the waterless pit. Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope; today I declare that I will restore to you double.”

-Zechariah 9:11-12 (ESV)

Image credit goes to Dreamtime Photos

It's About You

January 13, 2011 in personal 0

I have been reviewing in my mind today the mission of this blog – and dawned on me, Wednesdays haven’t been lining up very well with that mission. Shame on me…please, forgive me friends.

I humbly apologize for my lack of discernment concerning this very imperative aspect of this blog.

This blog is very much about someone else…someone not living in this household. Someone who’s not even writing these very words. No…no, not one bit. This blog isn’t about me one bit.

“Then who is it for, Marni?”

It is #1…for God. Then directly after that, it is for YOU.

Yes, I have been through some ringers in my life. I have been through my ups and downs, ins and outs, and joys and despairs. These things of course will creep out in my postings – but they will, from here on out, not consume one whole posting a week as I have been doing the past couple of weeks. I will pray upon what to do with Wednesdays from here on out – and blog about it when I find the answer. Until then, it will be business as usual around here.

It really fell deeply upon my heart and spirit today that this was just not appropriate for the focus and content of this blog. Hence why I am posting about this to you all.

Once again, please accept my sincerest apologies.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming…

My Top 8 Favorite Blogs

January 8, 2011 in lists, personal 0

You can pretty much gather from my Blog Roll who I enjoy following, and I have yet to update that page since finding some really good ones recently. I will get on that this weekend.

I truly had no idea the immense amount of awesome information out there that people were willing, and are, sharing with the rest of the world until breaking out of my own bubble by taking a sword to it and demolishing it to a million pieces.

So this post is simply dedicated to the top 8 blogs I follow on a regular basis now in my Google Reader – and this list won’t go in any particular order, as I find them all extremely valuable and worth reading.

1. Grit & Glory by Alece.

This blog has become one I truly, deeply value. Alece shares her heart transparently, but at the same time she does such with such grace and poise. And reading many of the comments she gets, it is evident she is a great encouragement to others who frequent her blog as well. I cannot say enough about this blog, and I am just sincerely eager to see how this blog continues to develop and unfold; for her writing just inspires me to become better in my own sharing of my heart with you all, and to become a better writer overall.

2. Stuff Christians Like by Jon Acuff

This blog has become one I cannot go a day without reading. Jon’s ability to get a point across through humor and satire, yet still keep a tactful composure while addressing the many idiosyncrasies [of which, some may even consider "taboo"] that are within the Christian community these days, is inspiring beyond description. His writing is refreshing and inspiring in my own life, and I deeply value all his posts [even outside his more serious posts made on Wednesdays]. This is just one blog you cannot go without reading.

3. International Leadership Michael Hyatt

Michael’s blog has become a daily read for me to serve as a reminder of what is important in a leaders life. His insight keeps me thinking at all times, and the information he has to share is quite relevant and helpful to writers of all arenas. He truly shows his heart to help others become better at the calling they have on their lives – and this indeed is a true sign of a wonderful leader. Anyone in any leadership position would do themselves great justice by frequenting his blog and taking to heart what he has to share.

4. RefineUs by Justin & Trisha Davis

Justin and Trisha’s blog is so real, that when you read it – you feel like you truly know them. They are very transparent and real about where they have been in their lives. Their struggles they have had within their marriage, has provided them a foundation for God to truly shine through them – and they have no qualms about letting Him shine. I find such encouragement and inspiration with everything they have to share, and I encourage everyone to frequent this blog as I do every day.

5. Without Wax by Pete Wilson

I happened upon Pete’s blog by a connection through Twitter – and haven’t been disappointed since. He is real, authentic and relevant – and just loves sharing his heart with others. His sincerity and transparency always amaze me, and he has become a source of inspiration and encouragement to help keep me on the path of ministry and writing. I sincerely encourage anyone who wishes to discover encouragement in any area of life, stop by his blog daily.

6. Ragamuffin Soul by Carlos Whittaker

It’s funny how I happened upon Carlos’ blog almost two years ago. I had just finished reading “The Ragamuffin Gospel” by Brennan Manning, and wanted to see what was out there on the internet about it. One of the first links on my Google search was none other than Carlos’ blog. I clicked on it, and discovered a man passionate about sharing with people not only his insights, but his whole life with everyone he possibly could. I love his passion for life, and his ability to just be real with everyone. This is definitely a daily read for me, and I hope it becomes one for you too.

7. Reimagining Church by Frank Viola

I discovered Frank’s blog almost two years ago after I finished reading his, and George Barna’s, book – unChristian. Now, I am not a lover of math – but I love to see in numbers what is really going on out there in our world; and this book really satiated my appetite for such. When I Googled more about this book, and Frank, I discovered his blog – and haven’t been disappointed since. He has such a passion to get relevant, and real, truth out to people not only about God – but also about how Christian’s can become better disciples of Him. I highly recommend this blog to anyone really wanting a good dose of some great writing and insight.

8. Leading in Shades of Grey by Jenni Catron

I discovered Jenni’s blog not very long ago – but I am so glad I did. It is a nice change of pace to connect with other women leaders in ministry. Not many are out there that are willing to put themselves out there to a lot of people – but Jenni is one of them, and I deeply appreciate her insights that she shares. She also asks challenging questions to really get some conversation going to help promote growth. If you are a woman entering into ministry, or are already in ministry, I highly recommend her blog to keep up with. You won’t be sorry.

The Journey of Writing

January 5, 2011 in personal 0

Today is a “Who Is” Wednesday, and today I am focusing on the passion of writing I have finally engaged in. I opened my laptop to check my RSS Feeds this morning, and found a post by Michael Hyatt (Chairman & CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers) that kicked my tail: Why I Stopped Reading Your Blog

The pointers he makes really tugged at my gut when to a few things – namely the length of my posts.

This is probably not news to anyone, but I’m a fairly passionate person. Getting this passion harnessed and reigned in to be focused and to the point in my writing is very challenging for me, but this is why I’ve embarked upon the journey of writing. I love challenges because I love to learn, and when I am challenged in the right ways – I learn to the point I actually engage in the lesson.

My husband has been prodding me for years to start writing, and a few other people in my life as well. I however feel like a fish out of water doing all of this. I feel so small in comparison to more seasoned bloggers out there; however, I do realize we all start somewhere.

I tend to reflect on the movie “Billy: The Early Years” when I really reflect on the calling I have in my life (which is to share my passion of getting God in the mix of brokenness with others), I find myself truly connecting with the example of Billy Graham’s early life before he even started to preach. He was passionate, and he had very little talent for preaching ; but He knew the calling He had on his life. To be an Evangelist. He floundered quite a bit, but he had a select few people surrounding him in his life that encouraged him to not give up on the journey God was taking him on to become the gift God gave to him.

Today, Billy Graham is world renowned. He is known for not only his passion for Christ and sharing the gospel with others, but he is also known for his ability to drive the message home in such a succinct way – it doesn’t take him very much to get the message across. The example of his life is an encouragement to me that God can, and does, take a passion and mold it to His liking so His message is delivered in a way where people will listen.

It’s not the easiest to get out of my own way. Gotta love that pride gig, right? I deeply sigh when I realize just how prideful I can be – but this is merely part of my own brokenness that I continually am lifting up to Him.

Thank you Michael Hyatt for your encouraging, yet convicting, words this morning. They helped beyond measure. They have encouraged me to look at writing as a journey; a marathon, not a sprint.

"Who Is" Wednesday?

December 30, 2010 in personal 0

I am starting something new for Wednesdays – I am going to post (along with my regular posting) a little blurp about me. Nothing too deep and such – but this is more for fun, and it gives you all a chance to get to know me a bit.

And for these to work well, I need all your help. So please comment on these postings, or email me if there is something you’d like to see me answer on these postings. Ask anything you like that is within reason.

Since I am going on my own today, I will just offer what I can think of right now.

A few things that make me happy (in no particular order):

Star Wars – namely the older ones (the newer ones are…”okay”)
Good country music – namely Garth and George please. And please, no bubble-gum flavored country for me. I dig Carrie Underwood, Keith Urban and such; but beyond these kind of artists, I am a bit jaded by the direction country has gone in recent years.
My son’s face smiling brightly at me first thing in the morning.
Playing with Lincoln Logs – I am a big kid at heart; and our boy got these for Christmas from his Grandma and Grandpa!
A good cup of decaf with a vanilla Éclair from Amelie’s (a fantastic French bakery in the heart of the arts district in Charlotte).

Okay…so now it is all your turn! Ask away!

Seven Years and Counting

December 21, 2010 in personal 0

This is very much a personal entry this morning – and a regular posting will be made later today. I just wanted to put this out there as a means to share this very special day in my life with you all.

A great deal of people recognize this day (Dec. 21st) as the first day of winter in the northern hemisphere of this earth, and some even recognize it as a spiritual celebration. I actually recognized it as such for six years of my life in my early twenties when I studied and practiced Paganism. I am not going to take up a great amount of time educating what this day means to a Pagan, but it is a fairly sacred day – as is all their celebrations. However, I will tell you that this day hallmarks two moments in my life. First it hallmarks the last day I was ever in a Pagan ritual circle with other people, and it also hallmarks the first day of my journey with Christ.

In a brief summary of my testimony – my last day in a Pagan ritual circle was a very tumultuous day. I left the ritual circle very, very sick (and was such for five days thereafter) due to some very sinister spiritual things happening that night that I did not anticipate; and I vowed never to step foot into another ritual circle again. God held me to that promise because six months after that moment, my husband and I found ourselves in business with some people who walked the talk of living as Christians. It intrigued me so much, that I began to question what they had that I didn’t. Low and behold I found out a year to the date later Who they had is Who I didn’t have. I didn’t plan it this way, but God certainly did for His reasons.

I found myself the day prior (Dec. 20, 2003) contacting a couple of friends and asking if my husband and I could attend Church with them the next day, we went – and though I felt a pressure to get up during that morning service, I didn’t; but God knew how to grab my attention. Music. An invitation to a Christmas Cantata was made to attend that night, and I made a decision to attend after I got of work. I was an hour late, but obviously on time for God’s purpose because there was no where to sit when I came in. As I stood and enjoyed singing many of the Christmas songs with everyone, I found myself up at the front of the room not understanding why I was there. Yet, someone finally came up to me and asked me if I needed prayer – and my response was a simple blank stare of confusion. She then asked me if I was ready to receive Him, and tears welled up in my eyes, and my throat clutched in and I nodded my head “yes.” I had no idea why I was doing what I was doing, but I knew what I was doing what the right move in my life.

After sinking to my knees and letting the tears of repentance flow from my heart and eyes asking for forgiveness, and allowing Him into my life, I left that Church feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders (and indeed, it had been). Upon entering my truck, I went to call my husband (whom was at a business meeting that night) and I noticed the date on my phone – and I began to cry tears of thanks because it was one year to the date that I had made a vow to never enter back into a Pagan ritual circle with others. Well, He held me to that vow – and redeemed me of the pain I had been living in.

Upon calling my husband, he was overjoyed (even though he was very Pagan himself still) – and so were his colleagues (who were all Christian). A month later, we were at a business conference together and we went to a Sunday morning Church service while there. I saw a clip of The Passion of the Christ, and I had a few more things to “get right” – so I ran (did not walk – I ran) down, and not even a few moments later, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn to see my husband’s tear filled eyes staring into mine and he said this was the last time he was doing this – that this time, he was making this decision for life. That morning, he rededicated his life to Christ, and we have been on the journey in Christ since.

Life has not been easy since letting Him break down our walls – my walls in particular. There are quite a few more walls to break down as I progress in my walk with Him – but that is fine. I want to break continually so I am always able to lean on Him, and never on myself. I lived a life in idolatry for longer than I ever anticipated in my life – and at times in my life today, I struggle with such idolatry as well (but on a more deceptive, and hidden, level called pride). Again, I am continually working with Him – and letting the Holy Spirit work in and through me so as to accomplish His will as I release my own to Him.

Today serves as a very special day in my life and heart – it was the day God saved me from a life of destruction and eternal pain, and it is one I will always boast about [in Him] all the rest of the days of my life.

Today marks seven years I have been learning to follow Him more and more – and this is only the beginning.

A Little Prodding, Goes A Long Way

December 6, 2010 in personal 0

?”You don’t let a ‘feeling’ decide if you’ll work or love a spouse today. Why let it decide if you ‘feel’ like creating art?” – Jon Acuff

Thanks Jon for the kick in the tail – the same kick in the tail my husband has given me the past 13 years! *laughs*

Sometimes, I think we all need a kick in the pants to get us kick started again. It is one of many ways God really works in our lives to get us to places He needs us to be. It is amazing that sometimes it takes long periods of time to get the message – like in my case. As stated before, it has been 13 years I have heard over and over again, “Marni, just paint.” Also I have heard now for the past 5 years, “Marni, just write.” Both statements coming from my husband, and the writing statement has been also coming from other people now for at least the last three years. And then here I am on Twitter following one of my favorite bloggers and authors, Jon Acuff (Stuff Christians Like.net), reading the words I posted above; and it jump started me to really examine and assess why I have been treating my love of writing as if it were something worthy of being ignored. Sure, I am blogging here – and this is a starting point, but I cannot let this be the only avenue I have to writing. I am just not certain of what to write about, yet I have plenty of material to start just blabbing about in a Word document. I am always thinking, always examining, always assessing, and I always seem to have something to say in my mind about a lot of things – so why not just get it out in black and white?

*my little plug to Jon* (should he ever read this) Thanks Jon, for the swift kick in the tail today. I know it was not a personal thing, but God made it personal because it really came full circle with almost verbatim words coming from my own husband’s mouth for so long. Sometimes it takes a lot of prodding to get through to my thick skull – and he has prodded a lot; and your statement today only confirmed what I need to start doing. Thank you.